These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm (and not laughing out loud)
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He sa id, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!
_____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8 :30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
...I REST MY CASE.. :P
Friday, October 9, 2009
Why breast cancer is usually found near the armpit?
Why breast cancer is usually found near the armpit?
Some time ago, I attended a Breast Cancer Awareness seminar. I asked why the most common area for Breast Cancer was near the armpit. My question could not be answered at that time. This email was just sent to me, and I find it interesting that my question has been answered.
I challenge you all to rethink your every day use of a product that could ultimately lead to a terminal illness. As of today, I will change my usage. A friend forwarded this to me.
I showed it to a friend going through chemotherapy and she said she learned this fact in a support group recently.
I just got information from a health seminar that I would like to share.
The leading cause of breast cancer is the use of anti-perspirant.
What? A concentration of toxins which leads to cell mutations, a.k.a.CANCER.
Yes, ANTI-PERSPIRANT. Most of the products out there are an anti-perspirant /deodorant combination, so go home and check. Deodorant is fine, anti-perspirant is not.
Here's why:- The human body has a few areas that it uses to purge toxins; behind the knees, behind the ears, groin area, and armpits. The toxins are purged in the form of perspiration. Anti-perspirant, as the name clearly indicates, prevents you from perspiring, thereby inhibiting the body from purging toxins from below the armpits.
These toxins do not just magically disappear. Instead, the body deposits them in the lymph nodes below the arms since it cannot sweat them out. Nearly all breast cancer tumors occur in the upper outside quadrant of the breast area. This is precisely where the lymph nodes are located.
Additionally, men are less likely (but not completely exempt) to develop breast cancer prompted by anti- perspirant usage because most of the anti-perspirant product is caught in their hair and is not directly applied to the skin.
Women who apply anti-perspirant right after shaving increase the risk further because shaving causes almost imperceptible nicks in the skin which give the chemicals entrance into the body from the armpit area.
PLEASE share this with anyone you care about.
Breast cancer is becoming frighteningly common. This awareness may save lives.
Some time ago, I attended a Breast Cancer Awareness seminar. I asked why the most common area for Breast Cancer was near the armpit. My question could not be answered at that time. This email was just sent to me, and I find it interesting that my question has been answered.
I challenge you all to rethink your every day use of a product that could ultimately lead to a terminal illness. As of today, I will change my usage. A friend forwarded this to me.
I showed it to a friend going through chemotherapy and she said she learned this fact in a support group recently.
I just got information from a health seminar that I would like to share.
The leading cause of breast cancer is the use of anti-perspirant.
What? A concentration of toxins which leads to cell mutations, a.k.a.CANCER.
Yes, ANTI-PERSPIRANT. Most of the products out there are an anti-perspirant /deodorant combination, so go home and check. Deodorant is fine, anti-perspirant is not.
Here's why:- The human body has a few areas that it uses to purge toxins; behind the knees, behind the ears, groin area, and armpits. The toxins are purged in the form of perspiration. Anti-perspirant, as the name clearly indicates, prevents you from perspiring, thereby inhibiting the body from purging toxins from below the armpits.
These toxins do not just magically disappear. Instead, the body deposits them in the lymph nodes below the arms since it cannot sweat them out. Nearly all breast cancer tumors occur in the upper outside quadrant of the breast area. This is precisely where the lymph nodes are located.
Additionally, men are less likely (but not completely exempt) to develop breast cancer prompted by anti- perspirant usage because most of the anti-perspirant product is caught in their hair and is not directly applied to the skin.
Women who apply anti-perspirant right after shaving increase the risk further because shaving causes almost imperceptible nicks in the skin which give the chemicals entrance into the body from the armpit area.
PLEASE share this with anyone you care about.
Breast cancer is becoming frighteningly common. This awareness may save lives.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
T.G.I.F
A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday.'
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday.'
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
What to do when you're abducted
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life. Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body . If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM .
Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS!
The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead start the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it.
As soon as the car crashes get out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Some serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle,and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back and get someone - guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zig -zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP
It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathy of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point:
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried
that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----
The Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body . If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM .
Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS!
The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead start the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it.
As soon as the car crashes get out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Some serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle,and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back and get someone - guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zig -zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP
It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathy of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point:
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried
that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----
The Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.
Teknologi Buat Sosej
Ada kisah seorang anak yang diberi peluang untuk belajar di Amerika untuk dapatkan degree, tapi selepas 15 tahun, x pernah lulus, akhirnya bapak dia dah x sanggup lagi tanggung beban wang untuk anaknya itu, terpaksalah dia bawak balik ke Malaysia.
Sepanjang perjalanan dari airport ke rumah, bapaknya diam aje (marah la tu).
Si anak dah rasa x best, so dia pun cari la idea untuk berbual & tunjuk pada bapak dia yang dia kat Amerika ada gain something la dgn pekembangan teknologi. So dia ckp dgn bapak dia:
Anak: Bapak tau x, kat Amerika sekarang teknologi dah maju giler. Sekarang nak buat sosej x payah nak sembelih lembu, buang kulit, masuk je lembu dalam machine, dah jadi sosej....
Bapak: Itu teknologi dah lapuk... Kat Malaysia lagi advance. Aku 32 tahun dulu, masukkan sosej aje dah keluar lembu sekor... menyusahkan plak tu...
Wakakakakakakakakakka….
Sepanjang perjalanan dari airport ke rumah, bapaknya diam aje (marah la tu).
Si anak dah rasa x best, so dia pun cari la idea untuk berbual & tunjuk pada bapak dia yang dia kat Amerika ada gain something la dgn pekembangan teknologi. So dia ckp dgn bapak dia:
Anak: Bapak tau x, kat Amerika sekarang teknologi dah maju giler. Sekarang nak buat sosej x payah nak sembelih lembu, buang kulit, masuk je lembu dalam machine, dah jadi sosej....
Bapak: Itu teknologi dah lapuk... Kat Malaysia lagi advance. Aku 32 tahun dulu, masukkan sosej aje dah keluar lembu sekor... menyusahkan plak tu...
Wakakakakakakakakakka….
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